SITTING IN IT

One Infertile’s Perspective on Mother’s Day

That the experience of infertility changes the way one contemplates and goes through Mother’s Day really should go without saying.  For those of us who are forced to endure any kind of loss, getting through days significant to that loss becomes a project of sorts, hurdles that survival mode warns you of yet also beckons you to clear.  It’s not that I don’t want anyone else to enjoy Mother’s Day.  Unfortunately I have to point that out since our culture has this weird habit of misinterpreting the expression of one’s pain as the desire to take happiness from another.

This isn’t that.

This is my fourth Mother’s Day as an infertile.  It is my first as an involuntarily childless infertility survivor, my first knowing that I will never bring a child into this world through my body and will never have biological children.  How to process Mother’s Day is quite the inquiry for someone who is a slender three months and eleven days out of their failed fertility treatments and currently too depleted on every level to decide on whether or not to pursue adoption.  My mind turned to what to do about it, as the human brain is prone to do.  One of the tough things about going through the infertile experience is having to constantly call off many of your instincts that are so innately human.  The lack of control that is the nature of infertility renders many of these formerly tried and true coping skills useless.  The need to problem solve and fix is one of them, and the instances over the past four years I’ve had to tell my brain “There is no fix, no solution for the moment.  You are going to have to sit in it” are beyond plentiful.

Although I found myself sensing that this Mother’s Day was going to be one of those “nothing to do but sit in it” situations, my pesky, over active mind of course managed to fit in some musings in the space before I was able to redirect it.  What would make Mother’s Day less worse? (more…)