Putting Infertility in the Annual Christmas Letter

Here’s ONE small way to crack the taboo…………

I really didn’t think I’d be posting about anything Christmas.

I’m not a “Christmas” person. I despise the short days, the impotent sunlight, and the impending if not already present cold. The sheer length of the season coupled with the commercial rigor defies any standard of sanity. Since my teen years I found the buildup to one freakin day also culminated into a bit of a let-down, and I’m not a big fan of the flu season or of the depleted physical energy that comes with trying to stay warm either. Oh, and snow boots and sweaters and dressing in layers – so NOT hot. So with most of the above being in play for a short six weeks or so now, I’m already anticipating the planting of my seedlings in April, and planning my May/June garden designs, as that’s truly where my heart is. While visions of sugar plums and assorted holiday paraphernalia may very well be dancing in other people’s heads, visions of soft shell crabs, sauvignon blanc, flowers blooming, warm sunny days and lingering with good company into balmy nights are what dance in mine during this time of year. Not to mention our infertility journey has left me with the definite need to keep the stuff with which Christmas is primarily infused – myth, legend and fantasy – at arm’s length. (more…)

I Saw Red

Transforming my space on the journey from I wish to what is

I’m not a big crier. I mean, I cry when I’m hurt or sad and normal things like that. But it is not often my initial response to things. When it is, however, it comes out of nowhere, like a pop up thunder shower on an otherwise banal weather day.

I was making love with my husband one sweet morning a few months after we lost our children when it hit me. I realized it was over. I could barely hold it until the moment passed, upon which I burst into tears. A wistful warrior in the midst of laying down her arms but not quite sure how to do it, I sobbed to my husband, “I just really really really loved trying to make a baby with you”. (more…)

Adios, “Meant To Be”!

Spiritual upending in infertility’s aftermath

I have some confessions I need to get off my chest, if only to myself. I’m not big on confessions – after all I was raised as a Unitarian Universalist, not as a Catholic – but they can serve as a starting point of sorts. An “I was there” clarification. An added dot to connect to the dot of where I am now providing a framework for what is really the beefy part of the matter. Which is “how in the world did I get from there to here??”

I purchased “The Secret” DVD back when it was all the rage.

Yes, that’s so cringe worthy I hereby award it its own paragraph. But there’s more. I used to believe (or thought I did) that everything happens for a reason.  That we could manifest good things into our lives if we wanted to.  That life’s catastrophes had the purpose of evolving the human soul that made it all “worth it”. And I even took it upon myself to presume this of other people’s hardships. I used to believe in meant to be.

At my latest session, my acupuncturist asked if I was still thinking of pursuing yoga teacher training. I alluded to the fact that I had been thinking about it for much longer than I had anticipated I would. “And suddenly you’ll find that you’re in the right place and with the right people and it’ll all make sense why it happened that way,” she offered. Ahh, the good ole cushy belief in law and order in the universe. Although a simple “or maybe not” response would have done the trick, I was caught off guard by my new found repulsion towards this concept. A most unenthusiastic “yeah” was all I could muster. (more…)