Right now, I have only one question.
Yes, normally I’m perplexed by society’s indifference to early child losses, especially when coupled with all of the mommy mania out there. I think what many might label as “serious thoughts” about the hows and whys of life, or more so lately the lack thereof. I’ve been accused of being too long winded, too divergent, too intense. I’m down with mindfulness and feeling every nook and cranny of my emotions, especially the taboo ones.
But right now, I ponder only this:
Given that I’m an involuntarily childless infertility survivor going through my second Mother’s Day without my children, at what time should I start drinking?
I don’t ask much from you, my dear readers, but I could really use your input on this. The absence of script for this kind of life is really getting to me.
So whadaya think? Noon too early?
I’ve got a nice bottle of rose champagne (a gift for my b-day back in Feb) that needs some attention. Granted, I feel anyone who has lost their children should be bathing in the shit instead, but alas I’ll be drinking it.
Yeah I get it – there are more noble things I could be doing on this not so fine day. Feeling my feelings as I did last year, reaching out to others and yada yada yada. It just so happens that not giving a shit is something I’m also able do quite well every now and then.
What about 11:00 am? Any opinions?
I leave you with my Facebook post for the day. I pretty much never post on Facebook. I’ve made no bones about the fact that avoiding humans has been one of my tickets to surviving infertility. But I might actually be peeking out from under my rock.
I said might.
So rather than re-emerge on FB (otherwise known as the fiery depths of hell in IF circles) with a benign comment about the weather, or some fake holiday oriented cordiality, as a more intelligent person would do, I threw down this instead:
On this day that is still shamelessly embalmed in the exclusion of so many, I pass on this quote:
“I believe that in the same way we need species diversity to ensure that the planet can go on, so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.”
Andrew Solomon
On this day I grieve.
And on this day, to all of the aunts and stepmothers, to all moms of alpha pregnancies, moms of miscarried pregnancies and stillborns, to everyone who participates in the welfare of children, child free by choice people who contribute greatly to this world, and every person without children who has relentlessly nurtured me throughout my adulthood, to people who have lost their potential children to tragic and unfortunate circumstance, to all my fellow brothers and sisters in loss and especially to every parent without children out there for whom I know all too well how hard this day is, I salute you. My infertility survivor child free not by choice family of two salutes you all.
Oh, did I mention I practically have no friends since I’m never on FB? So that whole heart outpouring was for like 13 people. I’m a genius.
infertilityhonesty 
I wish I had the guts to post something like that! Well done… You’ve reached a LOT more than 13 people! Hope you really enjoyed your pink champagne 🙂 Jeanne
Thank you for the encouragement, Jeanne. It’s nice to get some after the ridiculous and utterly unnecessary rounds of “should I, shouldn’t I” that I put myself through. And yes, the pink champagne was lovely:-)
I have only started now (6:55pm), I considered drinking a lot earlier believe me.
Dneika, I admire your “discipline”!! Hope it was worth the wait.
It was more than worth the wait, it went down perfectly.
Sweet.
I stood in my kitchen at 6:30am pondering this very important question: Coffee or mimosa? Then it occurred to me that coffee takes time to brew and mimosas take next to no time to make. So in the name of efficiency I put the coffee on and then made a mimosa to drink while the coffee brewed. So whatever time you start, it probably won’t be as early as me. 🙂
Also, I love your Facebook post!
The question I’m pondering today is how I can honor my own mother while being mindful of my own grief?
Thanks for being a genius, Kinsey!! (I must clarify that I really mean that since when I refer to myself as one it’s always with a tone of self mockery). I considered your perspective and poured my champagne at around 11:00 am (we in the restaurant business are not morning people, especially on Sundays) and THEN brewed the coffee. What would I do without you?
The Mom thing can be one more complicating factor of the day, especially depending on the nature of the relationship. I try to do something M-Day neutral with my Mom on a day near M-day, which may often just be a call the day before since she lives out of state. We’re lucky she’s been supportive of us so she knows how much the day can suck, but I know unfortunately not everyone receives this kind of empathy from their parents.
I did speak with her yesterday. At one point she got going on one of my cousins and his children and how it was hard he wasn’t with them on M-day due to his divorce. As I became awash with deep internal “oh, boo friggen hoo” sarcasms, I gently reminded her that I really didn’t need to hear about other people’s children (you know those that get to exist and all) on this day. She thanked me for “setting her straight” and moved on.
After a long day of (thoroughly unproductive) meetings and a hellacious drive home (I could have run home faster-only a slight exaggeration), I checked my email only to see that you called me a genius. Best part of my day. I’m the same, however. When I refer to myself as a genius it’s usually because I’ve done something not genius.
I talked to my mom. She went on and on about how she tells people about her grand dog. Blah blah blah. And then wished me a happy Mother’s Day. Thankfully “my phone battery was dying” so I had to get off the phone before I started crying or said something I couldn’t take back.
When you’re done adding Pamela on Facebook, feel free to add me too (if you want, no pressure). Check her friend’s list…I’m pretty confident that I’m the only Kinsey. Mainly I just post pictures of my dog so it’s not very interesting.
Awesome – make that 15!! I’ll track you down on FB very soon. I’m sure your dog is more interesting than my nothing.
It’s just dandy when phone batteries conveniently die like that…….
I’m late to the party. It’s 1:45 pm PT here in California — and I’m reading your blog post with a Gin & Tonic! Here’s to you and your courageous spirit. p.s. Fortunately it will be May 11 before we know it! …xo
Hi Pamela – hope you enjoyed your gin and tonic! That too is one of my favorites, so much so that I even got my El Salvadorian husband into them.
And here we are on May 11, safe and at least somewhat sound. Cheers to surviving again!
p.s. There are a kazillion women with your name on FB …. me. not so much. send me a friend invite so I can like your posting!
Ok, awesome. Make that 14 people……
In reality it’s more like 25 friends, but when it’s that low I figured why not exaggerate?
Love this post – I know exactly how this feels! Hope you enjoyed the champagne and today is a new day. Lots of love xx
Thank you, the champagne was lovely!! And I feel more energized for the “day after” (today) than I did last year, which was our first M-day after stopping treatments. I’m taking that as a good sign.
That’s definitely a good sign, I’m pleased you’re feeling a bit better xx
Thanks:-)
Beautifully put! I thought about posting to the FB but instead just avoided it. I applaud you for doing so, even if you it was only to 13 people 🙂
PS – I started drinking mimosas at 9:30am yesterday 🙂
A fellow FB avoider who also started drinking in the am – thank you Nicole! I adore the comradery:-)
Here, here!!!! Fortunately-ish, I was traveling from Honduras back to MN yesterday (Mother’s day), after two weeks in Honduras, so I wasn’t as bombarded this year… except that it seemed every person in every ferry and airport seemed to ask me if I was a mom or not. When I said I wasn’t, they typically said, “Ohh – well, not YET.” UGHHHH – I’m friggin 44 and done all we could do, but thanks for your pat and meaningless reply.” I thought about lying a few times, but cannot.
Anyhow, three last comments: 1) it’s never too early to drink, especially on Mother’s day or other painiversaries, 2) the only way I can stay sane on Facebook these last couple years is to say what I feel like. I couldn’t always do that, but it is freeing now. I posted every day for the NIAW – and did a post about mother’s day too. And periodically when I feel like it. I’m surprised at the support I receive – as well as the lack of support from others, who are constantly mommy oriented posting and otherwise seemingly VERY supportive to others – but it makes me more aware of who’s who and what-not, and 3) it’s seriously NEVER too early to drink!!! Cheers!
Drinking points taken! Sorry you got bombarded by “are you a mom?” herds during your travels, Heather. Which leads me to the useless pointless question for which there is no answer but must perpetually be asked anyway – Why can’t people just shut up???
Thank you for the FB perspective. Speaking out is finally having some positive effects on me. My sister in law once pointed out something similar to your being aware of who’s who point – that when it comes to people, disclosing infertility is, at the very least, a most discerning filter.
Thanks for your post. I learned a new drink today, mimosa’s! Will try that very soon. Personally my favourite drinks are cocktails. Hubby took me out for cocktails last night after two failed IUI cycles during which I lived as a complete ascetic. I drank a cocktail called “Corpse reviver”. Really did the job.
Hope you got through Mother’s day all well and that the pink champagne was tasty!
Corpse reviver?? Hilarious – where was THAT when I was going through treatment?? I can only imagine what it’s comprised of, one would probably cover me and my light weighted self.