Drawing lines in the conversation amid social invisibility
A couple of months ago I took myself to the dentist.Fitting in a tooth cleaning while the Covid infection rates remained low, I found myself in what felt like a surprisingly normal conversation.
In an innocent exchange of “work and business during Covid” stories, I shared a slice of how things were going in restaurant world.And the hygienist shared how thankful she was to get back to work in July.Staying at home with her toddler had not been good for her mental health. Read more →
The psychological trajectory of non parenthood is not a flatline
Over the past year plus now, I’ve been on an expedition with my body.I enlisted in physical therapy due to a shoulder injury, which then spanned, at my urging, to a fuller body physical therapy program to address scoliosis.Between that and osteopathic manipulation therapy sessions, I notice slow but steady improvements.It’s hard, consistent work.And even though my present musculoskeletal issues would likely qualify as minor, I’m choosing for now to keep trekking.
Characteristics that shaped my infertility experiences have resurfaced and this puts me on alert.My persistence, ability to commit, need to see what’s under every rock and general fire – the very things that screwed me in baby making land – have re-emerged within this plight.A scoliosis body carries with it a whiff of mystery, it’s conceptually akin to a Rubik’s cube that never quite gets solved.I remind myself that I am now also equipped with a much softened expectation of cause and effect, an awareness of persistence’s dark side and an honorary PhD in that which we don’t control.With all that, I think I’m ok to keep going.
I’ve gotten the idea along the way that I’m not your average patient.Much of this is due to my alignment based yoga practice and training, and the heightened body awareness that renders.But underneath the surface I feel there’s something else. Read more →
Well folks, here we are.In a worldwide crisis with no known ending.A crisis that entails a major loss of control, an utter disruption of our normals and a smashed view of the future.We are dealing with a disease that was initially not taken too seriously, a condition whose effect on individuals is intensely swerving and has the capacity to leave major wreckage in its wake.And all in a situation where social isolation remains one of the few ways to lessen bad outcomes, where much time and energy is expended re-learning daily life basics.
We’re fumbling our way through a global pandemic.And for me and many like me, it all feels so familiar. Read more →
In a parallel universe not yet known to man, childless not by choice infertility survivor Sarah Chamberlin decided to hold a press conference following the six year milestone of her last failed fertility treatment.Actual humans attended.
AS a childless not by choice infertility survivor, Chamberlin knew she was going to be told – not asked – how things are for her.So as she looked upon the starry eyed crowd who came expecting all themes resolution, uplifting, and most of all peripheral, she knew she’d need to exercise some control.
“Ok, ok”, Chamberlin, who didn’t just become childless yesterday, bellowed as she tried to chorale the crowd. Read more →
Strange things have been happening lately.When I’m out in the world now, something is different.
I find myself catching glimpses of someone I don’t fully recognize.She is emerging full force but I have yet to really see her.Life’s obstacles and hardships can serve as quite the blinders sometimes. Read more →
I miss you!Life has been demanding a lot from me lately, leaving little time for reflection and expression.There are positive resolutions to some of my challenges and obstacles on the horizon though, so I’ll take it.I know I’m late to the party, but I just had to jump in on today’s World Childless Week theme in spite of my personal constraints. And even though it’s already yesterday in the UK.Hope you have or will get to check out WCW’s many offerings.More from me soon, I hope.
For those of us acclimating to living without the children we expected, certain unyielding realities become abundantly clear amid the implosion of our formerly held world views.
As we relearn the world through our involuntarily childless lens, we are brought face to face with the universally stringent conversational patterns that thoroughly omit our experiences and viewpoints.
It was a golden, crisper than usual mid September day as I made my way to my periodic neurology appointment.I chuckled as I found the office, a drastically cozier and quieter place than the bustling hub where I had always seen my doctor prior.This other location provided a much more cooperative environment for someone in the first part of an autonomic nervous system disorder, as I was now discovering two years and nine months in and approaching its merciful resolution.
I relayed as much to the friendly receptionist as succinctly as I could.“It’s funny what we don’t realize as we’re coping, isn’t it?” Read more →
I adjusted and engaged my shoulders the best I could, inhaled a breath and raised my arms up into Warrior two to the unwelcome resonance of snapping and clicking.
Shrieking expletives soon filled the air of my cozy yoga space, along with yoga blocks boomeranging off the walls and a few crow poses raised in shoulder injury defiance.
This had never happened to me during a practice before.I’m all for working within my body’s limits and even find the excursion intriguing.But something else was going on.And so, as my likely wiser self hovered in the background gently whispering over and over, “Easy, tiger – don’t make it worse”, another aspect of my wiser self knew I needed to let it rip. Read more →
As an involuntarily childless infertility and IVF survivor, the best Mother’s Day gift I can offer my Mom is my own well being
I know it has been awhile, dear readers.More on my unexpected hiatus from blogging and the pieces above later.
For now, I‘m happy to report that I made it through my end of the week travels relatively unscathed by any Mother’s Day hoopla.A few people with whom I’m in regular contact even remembered to not bid me a “Happy Mother’s Day” and upgraded to the somewhat inaccurate but much more welcome “Have a nice weekend” instead.
Or at least I’d like to think so.I regularly check myself as I’ve been prone to fantasizing about people giving a shit over the past five or so years, often to find out they were not even dipping their big toenail into my shoes.But assuming it was intended, these seemingly micro considerations render a difference in one’s well being for the better. Read more →