WHERE AM I??

The movie Cast Away sheds some light

Things have felt……peculiar lately.

I’ve been feeling that half here, half not here feeling.  But not the pulverized half here half not here feeling of a year ago, this one is different.  I’ve been feeling unsettled.  A bit disconnected.  Pain, my long time reliable compass, no longer rules my existence. (more…)

Mystery

“Just ten minutes – you need it.”

I was wrapping up my yoga practice later than intended, which is quite the normality in my house. From people on the outside of the restaurant business looking in I often field the question “what do you DO with your husband working so many late hours?”

“I have a lot of interests,” I’ll respond. An impish smirk no doubt crawls across my face as images of me welcoming the midnight hour blowing on my flute or standing on my head in my yoga room come to mind.

Tonight I can’t sell myself on omitting meditation altogether. I take my seat with myself and the darkness. (more…)

JOY

The Trauma and Loss Survivor Version

“I know, I get it……Just one more thing infertility ruined.”

This simple yet all – encompassing phrase came from a support group member back when I was TTC (trying to conceive). She lived in the same town where my husband’s restaurant had just finished the construction on its expansion. And I, in the meager 6 weeks between IVF #’s 2 and 3, having just learned that our medical obstacles extended well beyond endometriosis and age, had not been in to see the outcome. Cannon balling my way into what was my most fragile, devastated time, I didn’t want to see people in my husband’s restaurant world. (more…)

Staying True Part 2

How yoga REALLY helped me through infertility

“Don’t use the word infertile, your uterus will retract from the trauma. Remember, she hears you.” As it turned out, the Maya abdominal fertility massage alternative to other higher powers was not all that much more appealing to me. I determined early on the idea that one of my very own organs demanded I be a good little girl was NOT going to be a useful tool in my quest for a child.

“My uterus ain’t that dumb” happened to be my first ponderance on the issue. (more…)

Staying True

How yoga REALLY helped me through infertility

Prologue:

I’ve gotten back into the Jason Bourne movies as of late. That I’m a glutton for action films featuring loner male protagonists is something for which I have no explanation. My attraction to the underlying themes of the Bourne trilogy is less mysterious; Main character meets severe obstacles in finding his way home after traumatic experiences, is forced to seek his true identity while combatting sketchy organizations that create false realities and insist that he be something he innately isn’t. Hmmm…..what infertility survivor wouldn’t be down with THAT? (more…)

Riding the Waves of Grief

Reflections on my latest infertility survivor undertow

It is one thing to search for answers and fix and define. It is entirely another to be present for that which you can’t. Or shouldn’t.

I know that the band of supportive people who grace me with their presence will always be peppered by those who possess a tendency to perceive my grief as my own misperception. As something that is unique to me and caused by me. As a weak, misguided choice resulting from personal flaws that could be mechanically altered with a childish flip of a switch if I “just” chose to “see things another way”. But I know better. I know I went and continue to go through something that would bring the mightiest in this world to their knees. I know our primal gut is not a mistake. And that it is crucial to create space for its sacred mysterious intelligence even if empty souls chose to scream otherwise. (more…)