THROUGH

A deeper meaning of yoga on the beach

I used to be magnetically sold on the idea of “rising above” life’s scars and tragedies. Something about the concept appealed to my ego driven thirties, as it can, depending on one’s interpretation, imply elements of “better than” and “willpower conquers all”. Externally, it is a measure by which we judge others in crisis, which is already a cultural mistake in and of itself. How often do we hear “It’s amazing, she’s just not letting it affect her” or “He didn’t let this change him at all” as an approving assessment of how someone is dealing with a loss or a trauma? (more…)

Was That Really Me?

Evolvement in the midst of crap, trauma, and toddlers in fertility clinic waiting rooms

Below is a repost (with some new thoughts added on at the end) from this past fall from my old space on Blogspot.

I was in the middle of my fourth round of IVF in nine months and not feeling it at all. Every procedure, drug delivery, drug side effect, and doctor’s visit was a total slog. “I can’t stand this anymore. I really don’t want to be doing this. I cannot stand this stupid stupid fucking shit. I just want it to end. I just want it over. This is horrible. I CAN’T believe I’m still here. I would not wish this on my WORST enemy” was the soundtrack that played over and over and over in my mind. When you have had a total of 14 embryos transferred, 11 of them grade a, that have amounted to nothing, the notion that you might be working towards getting pregnant fades real fast. I was at the “I need to do everything I need to do to confirm we CAN’T get pregnant so that we can move on” point.

During this time I was sitting in my doctor’s waiting room anticipating yet another glorious vaginal sonogram. Having already started Lupron I was in the desirable mood of someone who had been forced to transition into menopause over the course of about 10 minutes. And as my luck would have it, it was also during this time that another patient in the waiting room had chosen to bring her little brat child along with her to her fertility doctor appointment. (more…)