I used to have this notion of the life that would follow my heavy grief and recovery years. Read more
A couple of months ago I took myself to the dentist. Fitting in a tooth cleaning while the Covid infection rates remained low, I found myself in what felt like a surprisingly normal conversation.
In an innocent exchange of “work and business during Covid” stories, I shared a slice of how things were going in restaurant world. And the hygienist shared how thankful she was to get back to work in July. Staying at home with her toddler had not been good for her mental health. Read more
As an involuntarily childless infertility and IVF survivor, the best Mother’s Day gift I can offer my Mom is my own well being
I know it has been awhile, dear readers. More on my unexpected hiatus from blogging and the pieces above later.
For now, I‘m happy to report that I made it through my end of the week travels relatively unscathed by any Mother’s Day hoopla. A few people with whom I’m in regular contact even remembered to not bid me a “Happy Mother’s Day” and upgraded to the somewhat inaccurate but much more welcome “Have a nice weekend” instead.
Or at least I’d like to think so. I regularly check myself as I’ve been prone to fantasizing about people giving a shit over the past five or so years, often to find out they were not even dipping their big toenail into my shoes. But assuming it was intended, these seemingly micro considerations render a difference in one’s well being for the better. Read more
Today is my five year blogaversary. Tah – dah!
It’s strange to think that five years ago today I clicked “publish” on this blog for the first time. Read more
I haven’t been playing coy. At least totally not on purpose anyway. I’m well aware of what time of year it is.
The often bargain basement notion of “focusing on something else” has functioned as a dismissive annoyance for the better part of my healing process. “Focus on the life you DO have” – when that was thrown my way for many years people may as well have been poking me with a fire iron. So disparaging and unintelligent in its simplicity, isn’t it? While ultimately that was what I wanted to move towards coming out of treatments (because really, who HASN’T thought of that), the trip from point a to point b is nothing short of a brutal, painstaking labyrinth. And that’s putting it nicely.
Not to mention that when you are putting yourself through the wringer to try to have a child, and when you are coming to terms with the fact you will never be a parent, these things ARE major parts of the life you do have. This is not a trip to Vegas, people. What happens in baby making and involuntary childlessness land does not merely STAY in baby making and involuntary childlessness land.
And there are always those people around you hyped to find you a “distraction”, especially when your pain reaches its peaks and needs to be felt and expressed most. A distraction deemed for you when it is really for them, as if it’s possible to focus on anything else but trying to comprehend your missing children and make sense of this new life you didn’t ask for.
It seems though, I’ve finally figured out an application for the peripheral “focus on something else” modus operandi (perhaps there is a time and a place and a grain of truth to almost everything). Yes boys and girls, so far this year I’ve found that “focusing on something else” during the Christmas season may be my way to go for now.
Please do let me explain. Read more
Royal baby news surprisingly strikes me sideways
I awoke rested and peaceful, cradled by a soggy morning filled with a delicious sense of pause.
As I made our coffee I reveled in having a day with my husband – a lazy morning and a day off, rare for him lately, where I felt good enough to go with him to get some much needed and long awaited clothes shopping done.
Delightfully anticipating dinner at our favorite authentic hole in the wall Japanese restaurant, I cracked open my laptop.
“Well god damnit!” I barked, as the latest royal family pregnancy news smacked me in the face. “Megan and Harry are pregnant already – they just got married like five minutes ago. I guess THAT was easy” I spewed to my husband. Read more
A reminder my We Are Worthy Summit Yoga Class is posting tomorrow at 9:00 am EST and will be available for viewing after that as well. Hope you can carve out the time to practice with me!
Here’s the event description:
Join Sarah Chamberlin, writer of the blog Infertility Honesty, as she leads us through a basic yoga class.
The practice of yoga can aid in enhancing the health of the mind, body and soul. Stepping “onto your mat” affords opportunities for self care, self connection, and exploring the art of being. Add to that the benefits of practicing with an instructor and a community (albeit a virtual one!) who have walked in your shoes.
Interlaced with the theme of worthiness, this alignment based class is open to all levels and will highlight basic yoga poses and practices. Pose modifications and alternatives will be offered.
Items needed are:
A basic sticky yoga mat (or, a non slippery surface to practice on)
Two or three folded blankets, non slippery and rough in texture
Two yoga blocks (or, two similar sized VERY sturdy shoeboxes)
See you on April 28th!
Hope you’ve been able to get something out of the summit this week. I’ve enjoyed a couple of live events and will be catching up on the rest as I can. You can check out the rest of Saturday’s events here.
A settled chill hung in the air as we hurriedly pulled into the flower shop on our way to buy groceries.
“Why don’t we get them at Whole Foods? Whole Foods has flowers.” my husband pointed out irritably.
I slammed the car door without a word and stomped into the flower shop, disregulated autonomic nervous system and all.
I respectfully waited for the owner to take a funeral order as my autonomic nervous system failed miserably to adjust to the cold (which is typically hard on people with dysautonomia as well as other neuropathies). But knowing what it’s like to have a loss that is not societally regarded in any way, I was not about to impatiently huff and pout in the face of someone else’s moment of acknowledgement.
I ordered an arrangement of white flowers in a low, square vase as my lightheadedness ballooned and the room spun a bit, perhaps from both the cold and harsh reality. Read more
You can find my latest round on Lesley Pyne’s blog HERE, dear readers.
I had mentioned in a comment on her site that I had taken my grief head on. She asked me what that meant and if I’d be willing to write about it.
How refreshing to have someone stop and pay attention to that which most people want to avert!! An important reminder of the power of community. And that our involuntarily childless club needs to grieve and mourn just like any other set of humans who lost a key component in their lives that was near and dear to them.
And so I did write reflections on my grief journey and included some tools that have been useful to me that hopefully others will find empowering too.
Please don’t forget. You are not living the life you chose. Read more